The Mother Blues

Every morning I wake up and think "Ok, here we go. This is going to be a great day." And every night I fall into bed thinking, "I don't know how much longer I can do this." And I feel trapped, a lot. And I feel guilty for not feeling like I'm having the time of my life being a mom of two young children.

I remember planning our wedding and getting so stressed out to the point of grinding my teeth at night. So many people would act like this was the most fun thing I could be doing at this point in my life, but I was dying inside. I'm getting a strong sense of deja vu here.

I want to enjoy my children, not have them become a list of to-dos. But when your kids smell like pee, and need food NOW and want to go bye-bye and there are clothes to be washed, dishes to be done, food to be made (and on and on), I feel like I am only existing to take care of needs one by one by one by one by one. And those needs are only being met to be emptied out all over again. It's enough to drive a person insane... digging a ditch that four little hands are filling.

I hate that my favorite part of the day is when the girls go to sleep. I hate that Lana is getting the shaft because Eden demands her own attention.

I am learning, as a good friend shared with me, to find pleasure in the small moments. That even if the whole day was horrible, there might be one little smile from Lana or funny thing that Eden said to find pleasure in.

Wish I could write more. The girlies are stirring. Here we go...